SKATETOWN U.S.A.
Dir. William A. Levey
1979

Skatetown U.S.A., released in 1979 as the marketing juggernaut for a real-life chain of disco skate rinks (three months after Disco Demolition Night,) was almost impossible to see for decades. It played a few times on TV broadcast in the 80s, but due to music licensing costs, it was absolutely untenable to bother releasing it on home video. I first saw the film at UW Cinematheque’s Marquee Monday screening in 2014, and spent the next five years watching a terrible quality VHS recording on YouTube when I’d show it to friends.

Maybe ten minutes into the first screening, I remember turning to look at the three boys I was seeing the film with and all of us had a wide smile plastered onto our faces. Loosely anchoring an Airplane! tier of scattered gags is the plot of two siblings who crash the Skatetown U.S.A. skate competition dominated by a roller gang, led by the sinister Ace (Patrick Swayze, in his film debut.) Our protagonist, Harvey (Flip Wilson, who is styled as a proto He-Man) falls in love with a roller girl (Katherine Kelly Lang) – and would you believe it, she’s Ace’s sister! Ace will do anything to win the contest, so we see his gang cheat and ruin some “really great” choreographed roller skating.

But you’re not really here for Ace and Harvey, though Ace’s dance to The Hounds cover of “Under My Thumb” (which sounds like it was blasted in from a Daft Punk influenced future) is hysterical, as he plays up his bad boy cred by whipping his leather belt around. You’re here for Judy Landers as Teri, the ticket girl who can’t keep straight how to take tickets because she’s too busy learning feminist theory. You’re here for the nerdy couple who arrive to Skatetown U.S.A. to celebrate their honeymoon despite not being able to skate as they fall into the sexual provocations of their fellow skaters. You’re here for the drug smuggling concession stand guys who won’t stop doing Three Stooges routines, giving the cold shoulder to poor Dorothy Stratten as she asks for the fourth time, “Can I have my pizza, please?” She’s being hounded by Leonard Barr, a 1930s comedian who basically just keeps rattling off faux-Groucho zingers.

Then there’s the Skatetown wizard, who summons everyone at the start of the film with a zap of his fingers. He drops in a couple of times, including to introduce Traffic’s Dave Mason, a musician nobody under the age of 45 has any opinions about unless they’ve seen this film. There’s the Skatetown doctor, who is a PTSD vet despite never leaving basic training. Scott Baio plays our hero Harvey’s coach, who mostly is here to make out with random women and take bets on whether or not Harvey can beat Ace. The other skaters in the competition are named Pistol Pete (a white guy in a racist pistolero costume,) Uncle Sam, and two extended performances by skating bands. Maureen McCormick plays Harvey’s sister, and she’s doing so much cocaine offstage that the drug deserves a producer credit. I’m trying to communicate chaos to you because blissful chaos is what Skatetown, U.S.A. has to offer.

Maybe the most emblematic oddity of Skatetown is the moment where it cuts to the changing room and a cop is walking by. Suddenly, a hot lady in her skates and a unitard rides out. The cop looks goggle-eyed at her. It cuts back to her, and she bends over, wiggles her ass like a rabbit’s tail, and skates off. He zips up his open fly and runs after her like a cartoon chasing a donut. These characters are never seen again.

This film suddenly arrived on Blu-Ray in 2019, put out directly by Sony, with no real explanation for what changed. The new transfer looks incredible, really allowing the decadent color scheme of the film’s cheap neon and costuming to shine through. It’s getting funnier every time I watch it. The one thing I’d warn somebody trying to watch at home is that there’s a lot of dancing and a lot of extended musical sequences, because whoever edited this movie was told “You’ve got the rights to Shake Your Body Down To The Ground and you’re gonna play the whole damn song!” In my book, you’ve gotta watch with friends who are down to experience something magical. When it’s not dancing, it’s firing off gags a mile a minute. And when the music’s playing, if you’re like me, you’ll be feelin’ alright.